Guy Talk 2: Guys Shop
by JaerWolfe
Summary: In which Kaidan, Garrus and Joker go on a mission that tests their loyalty...to each other.


**_A/N: For those who requested the shopping trip to Illium mentioned in A Woman's Armor. Also, with a nod to Strike for her brilliant Jacob/Jasmine Youtube clip and a wink at Sesh for the Normandy Poll about Kaidan's finest asset. _**

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"What exactly are we after again?" Garrus questioned, his head turned to watch a female Turian with a large assault rifle strapped to her back walk by. His gaze was alternating between the weapon and the fit of her armor over her legs. With a final sigh of appreciation, he focused on the stores about them. "I'm not seeing much by way of armor upgrades or weapons in this area."

"Naw." Joker agreed adjusting the lift on the new gravity dampeners fitted to his leg braces. They reduced the pull on his legs allowing him to move more freely while maintaining more control but he couldn't help tinkering with them every few steps simply because he wasn't used to them yet. "This is more of a girly place. Dresses, make-up, jewelry---wait a minute." His attention snapped to the quiet man walking next to them. "Alenko?"

Blinking eyes that were just slightly too wide to be completely innocent, Kaidan looked at him. "Yes, Joker?"

"We're girl shopping, aren't we?" There was an edge to Joker's tone.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Shepard's more than enough woman for me, Joker, I don't need to shop around anymore."

"Maybe you're not shopping for a _girl_." Garrus had also caught the undertones of the Commander's expression and was suspicious as well. "But you're shopping _for_ a girl."

"I can't believe you suckered me!" Joker moaned. "Let's go shopping for upgrades, Joker. It'll give you a chance to get out of the ship for a while. Try out your new grav-dampeners." His tone had gone slightly lower, mocking Kaidan's phrasing.

"I can't believe he actually thought you'd be helpful shopping for something for Shepard." Garrus countered. "Your longest lasting relationship is with a porn VI."

"Maybe that's 'cause I don't have _reach_ or _flexibility_, Garrus." Joker retorted.

"Look, who else was I going to ask?" Kaidan gave up any pretense, shoving a hand through his hair. "Thane? His wife is dead, I'm sure he'd love to slip into a perfect memory of buying her gifts and giving them to her. Oh, how about Jacob? You do remember the last time we went out for drinks and Jacob kept hitting on every female that walked by? Kept telling them they were 'the priiiiize'."

Joker's laughing snort had both men looking at him. "Yeah. I had EDI record the whole thing through my omni-tool. We're going to upload it to the extranet. Maybe add an audio track…something porn sounding."

Garrus stared at the smaller, slender man. "I am never going drinking with you again."

"Don't worry, Garrus, I've already done yours." Joker answered with a cocky smile. "Krogan women just love scars and you'll love seeing yourself in a pink leopard print thong. It brings out the blue of your tattoos. Really."

"I hate you."

"Focus!" Kaidan snapped at both of them. "Look, you were both part of that whole space hamster fiasco so now you pay up. You will help me buy something for Shepard that she will like."

"Why isn't Zaaed here? He bought her one, too." Joker demanded. "If one should suffer, we should all suffer."

"The man willingly lives next to the garbage compacter on the Normandy. Do I really need to add anything else?" Kaidan stared at Joker until he shrugged. "Look, I thought about Ken in Engineering, but he thinks it's normal that a woman follows him from post to post, ship to ship, Alliance to Cerberus."

"Kaidan has a point." Garrus mused rubbing at his scars. "How sad is it that the three of us are the best bet for figuring out a gift for a woman? Particularly a woman like Commander Shepard."

Kaidan paused, looked from the Turian to the Pilot and groaned. "Maybe they have a personal shopper around that can help."

"Hey, how about lingerie?" Joker asked spying the store across the market. "The gift that keeps on giving." He began his shuffling gait, leaving them to follow.

"Joker's taking us into a lingerie store." Garrus said, a mixture of dread and excitement in his voice.

Kaidan simply stared, mouth slightly open at the scantily clad window mannequins…most in the shapes of soft colored Asari. "There are so many reasons why this is not a good idea. Having Joker involved in any way is the very top one." A faint blush was already working its way across his cheekbones. "He's just doing this to jerk me around."

"Yes, and if you don't go in to keep him in line I'm afraid of what he'll get." Garrus grabbed at Kaidan's arm. "He'll sign your name to whatever it is, too, and have it delivered to Shepard."

"Garrus, everyone is going to think we're a bunch of pervs checking out women's underwear." Kaidan resisted.

"Well, they'll suspect that until Joker opens his mouth and proves it to them." Garrus gave a shrug and managed to get Kaidan moving. "Besides, we're stuck now. If we don't go, he'll decide she needs something completely outrageous and then she'll kill all of us."

"I was thinking flowers!" Kaidan continued. "Maybe jewelry."

"For Shepard?" Garrus questioned, confused. "We are talking about the same Shepard, aren't we? Since when does she go for anything like that?"

Kaidan groaned as they entered the store. "She doesn't. Maybe I should get her a pet she couldn't kill. If there is such a thing." He started to look around at the feminine frills and lace and began to shake his head, knowing he'd never find anything in here Shepard would even remotely like. "The last gift I got her was an upgrade for her armor so she could pack more ammo. I was rewarded very nicely for that gift."

Garrus laughed. "So that's the reason we're here. She's training you well."

Kaidan gave his friend a lopsided smile. "Believe me, you _wish_ you were being trained as well as I am, Garrus."

Garrus gave a deep sigh. "Yes, I do."

"Kaidan, how about this?" Joker asked from deeper in the store.

Kaidan skirted around a rack and came to a dead stop. Opening his mouth, nothing came out as he stared at the bizarre image before him.

"EDI, I need you to stream a video to my personal console." Garrus whispered to his com as his omni-tool lit up.

Joker stood, still in his Cerberus uniform, but also wearing over it a leather bustier with strategic holes cut out and a small, fringed leather thong. "It comes with a free whip!"

"I can't do this." Kaidan said turning to push past the giggling…_giggling_…Garrus.

"No. Let's see if there's any leopard prints." Garrus grabbed his shoulders forcing him around. "Joker, try on the lacy thing next to you."

"Garrus, I cannot possibly get anything Joker has tried on!" Kaidan hissed. "Shepard could look beautiful in it but all I would see is Joker and it would completely kill the mood."

"So we'll go for the stuff you wouldn't get anyway and have Joker try on most of the store." Garrus shoved him back toward where Joker was pulling the thong off. "Come on, Kaidan, you owe me. And Joker needs to pay for every time he's cycled that Elcor Porn to my console just as someone comes up to me to talk. Do you know how old it gets telling everyone I'm doing calibrations so they'll go away and I can purge the console?"

"It's designed for a Turian female, Garrus." Joker shuffled over holding the bright pink creation. "I can't figure it out. You'll have to do it."

"What?" Garrus' humor fled as he stared in horror at the lingerie in the pilot's hands.

"Try it on." Joker shoved it at him.

"Shepard isn't Turian." Garrus shoved it back.

"No, but maybe if Kaidan likes you in it they'll have a human model." Joker shoved it toward him again.

"If Kaidan likes _me_ in it, our friendship will be deader than Saren." Garrus retorted and once more shoved the lacy pink froth toward the pilot.

"I should have asked a woman to come with me. Chambers would know what Shepard would like." Kaidan muttered starring at the reverse tug-of-war going on before him.

"_Chambers?_ Are you kidding?" Joker demanded of him, temporarily abandoning his struggle with Garrus. "You do know that if Shepard found out you had Chambers modeling lingerie for you her only hesitation would be deciding which weapon to kill you with. You should be _thanking_ us for this."

"And if you bought anything Chambers recommended and Shepard found out, the only one wearing it would be you as she shoved you out an airlock as we traveled through the Terminous System." Garrus added.

Kaidan closed his eyes and made a mental note that the next time he got it into his head to buy Shepard a gift he should just say it with ammo.

"Come on, Garrus. I tried the leather thong on. It's your turn." Joker said. "And you're hurting my hands."

"Don't play the brittle bone card with me, Joker, I am not putting that on!" Garrus snapped.

"Oh, be a male, Garrus. What? The poor cripple boy can wear skanky lingerie to help out a friend, but you can't?" Joker taunted.

"You just want to take a picture of me in this so you can upload it to the extranet!" Garrus retorted.

"Oh, like the one you had EDI take of me?" Joker countered. "So I'm man enough to do what big, bad, vigilante Archangel is afraid to?"

Garrus looked at the pink thing in his hands and then back at Joker. "If being a man means putting on women's lingerie, then, yes, Joker. You are more of a man than I will ever be."

Kaidan had lost interest in the argument, his attention caught by a red flash in the corner. An Asari sales clerk was hanging a new, red piece over a mannequin, adjusting the ribbons artfully until she glanced up and saw his interest.

Smiling she beckoned him over. Kaidan was already moving before he realized it, his attention on that mannequin.

"One tug and it comes free." The Asari demonstrated. "Memory weave tells the material how it is supposed to fit so putting it on is simple as well."

Kaidan could feel heat rise in his cheeks and knew it was time to leave. He should have worn armor to come on this mission, not casual clothes. Armor could conceal certain reactions he was having imagining that on Shepard's soft, lithe form and his own fingers tugging the top free.

"I'll take it!" He blurted quickly and moved behind a low standing table.

The Asari gave him a knowing smile that told him he hadn't fooled her in the least. Then her deep eyes flickered over him and the knowing smile curved to a very interested one.

Kaidan made immediate plans to kill Joker for bringing him in here. Then he looked at the red number and decided maybe he'd send him a thank you instead.

"What size does she wear?" The Asari asked smiling at him.

"Garrus, Joker, what…the hell are you doing?" Kaidan had turned around and was now staring at the scene in front of him, incredulous.

Garrus had a feathery pink boa up around his neck and entwined about the fringe at the back of his skull. A camisole of the same color was wrapped about his torso and he was wearing three fingered velvet gloves in white.

Joker had a coined veil about his head, his beloved baseball cap missing and a small tiara holding the veil in place while a sales woman wrapped several scarves artfully about him.

"No." Kaidan cut off Joker's response. "I don't want to know. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to ever…_ever_…think about this again. We are never doing this again. Now tell me what size Shepard wears while I don't look at you."

"That's 'cause he thinks I'm sexy." Joker said in an aside to Garrus.

"Joker!" Kaidan shouted, not looking back.

"How should I know? I'm not sleeping with Shepard and it's not exactly something I would ever ask her. Hi, Commander, beautiful day, isn't it? What size of lingerie do you wear? Why, yes, Joker, it is a beautiful day. Let me answer you with my Widow Maker. Boom…headshot." Joker mimed sending the small coins chiming as he moved.

"Liara would know, wouldn't she? I mean, she is an information specialist." Garrus asked reluctantly taking the gloves off.

"Knowing Shepard's size is a bit different than knowing who's stealing corporate secrets from whom." Kaidan snapped.

"Information is information." Joker retorted. "Besides, do you have a better idea?"

Muttering under his breath while the Asari sales clerk tried hard not to show her laughter, Kaidan established a link. Five minutes later after blushing furiously under Liara's teasing, he gave the clerk the correct size and moments later had a box wrapped up in his hands. He didn't want it delivered to the Normandy on the off chance Shepard got to the box before he did.

"Was this the one you got her?" Garrus asked running a finger down one of the straps on the mannequin. "I would never have pictured Shepard in one of these."

"Please don't start doing it now or I will have to kill you." Kaidan requested.

"It's…very nice." Garrus continued. "I imagine…"

"Stop imagining. All of your imagining of Shepard involves armor. Lots of armor." Kaidan cut him off. "And guns. Big guns. Hers."

Joker started laughing at that and earned himself a glare from Kaidan that promised broken bones if he so much as spoke what he was thinking out loud.

"I was more curious with Chambers than anything else. Human females are very different from Turian females." Garrus continued. "Perhaps I shouldn't base my comparison on simply one human female."

"I hear Jack's available." Joker told him with a straight face. "Besides, you gotta be careful, Garrus. Once you start going human, you never go back."

"Can we leave now?" Kaidan asked holding the package like it contained a bomb. "Unless you two have something else you'd rather try on?"

"No, but that nightie over there would really bring out your eyes." Joker pointed.

Kaidan left the store quickly, not caring if they followed him.

All three communicators chimed at once. An automatic recall to the Normandy for departure that had them picking up the pace. Shepard had been known to leave behind those who ignored that call in a timely manner.

"Here." Kaidan shoved the box into Garrus' hands as they came closer to the Normandy's airlock.

"Gee, Kaidan, you didn't need to bother with the whole pretense that it was for Shepard. It's exactly what I wanted." Garrus answered.

Kaidan stood next to him as they were decontaminated. "No. I want you to hold onto it. She'll find it in the cabin and I want to hold onto it for a special occasion. Will you hold it for me? Until I ask for it?"

Garrus shrugged. "Sure."

"And please don't try it on."

The Turian simply rolled his eyes and headed for his usual place on the ship.

Joker started laughing the minute the Turian was out of sight. "I did it! I got him in that pink thing! I'm going to splice it so Jacob is hitting on Garrus and upload it to the extranet."

Kaidan blinked. "That's why you did it? Put that lingerie on? So Garrus would too and you could get pictures? What about the pictures Garrus took of you?"

"Please." Joker scoffed. "Do you honestly think EDI would keep pictures of me like that recorded?"

Kaidan thought about it. "Yes. Particularly if she thought she might need them in the future to keep you in line."

Joker's smile faded. For a moment he considered and then began limping as fast as he could for the cockpit. "EDI, we need to talk." He said in a strong voice.

"I was disappointed you did not choose to join them in their costuming, Commander Alenko." EDI said from her nearest communication hub.

"I'm shy." Kaidan deadpanned.

"Yes, that has been commented on. As well as you having the finest posterior on the ship. I believe you won the ship wide poll quite easily."

Kaidan blinked, stunned, opening his mouth. Without a word, he closed his mouth again. He really didn't want to know.


End file.
